Nothing happens for a reason.
Nothing.
Getting fired from a 60,000+ a year job does not “happen for a reason”. Nothing happens for a reason.
She went and got fired. I don’t believe for one-half an instant that she was “not a good fit”. They got tired of her being absent and were waiting for a good time (and a good excuse) to let someone otherwise talented at her job go.
All of that “it’s going to be fine” bullshit was wrong to the nth degree.
But more important than that, it did not “happen for a reason”. There weren’t “signs”. There wasn’t anything like that. No. There was randomness and nothing. She got fired not because the universe wanted her home. She got fired because her job didn’t not want her there.
That she is treating this like the Buddha is most disturbing. There is a detachment here that is disturbing and fucked up and wrong and just no. And I am feeling put off by it all. I am feeling like if I’m not a goddamned Buddhist monk about this, I am being silly. Fuck that shit. Fuck it all.
Considering a major online life overhaul.
The thing my generation was given to believe in was the internet. It seems like a small pittance compared to believing in the Second World War or Civil Rights or ending the Vietnam War or The Motherfucking American Dream. More than that, the internet is being used against us. And it depresses us. And it overwhelms us. And it divides us. And it sucks our time and energy away. And it gives us FOMO (fear of missing out).
My generation has seen so much of what we could count on betray us. And now, the thing we were given to believe in does as well.
Don’t know what to think about that.
The internet is a cruel and vicious place. I’m not going to allow it anymore.
So we talked. And I do feel better. But there was no reason whatsoever to believe that it would have worked.
In fact, She avoided the whole complaint that She still feels to me like someone who would get angry at me when I tell Her things. Even as simple as having suicidal thoughts.
She didn’t lose her job. She might still and also, she might quit. No, I am not making this up these are possibilities.
Ten days ago, she laid into me. She got me to the point of suicidal thoughts. When she apologized to me, I told her I had had suicidal thoughts because of it. She got mad at me for telling her that. I am not kidding.
And she wonders why I can’t talk to her. I’m trying to get over this. But it’s not working. I am screaming inside my head.
I hate the internet so hard right now.
The “We The People” website that hosts “online petitions” has a number of petitions demanding that certain states of the union be allowed to secede.
On top of that, there’s now a petition calling for the deportation of individuals who signed any of the secession petitions.
The “We The People” petition website is not some social networking site or a blog. It is a part of the official White House website.
There is a point when this needs to stop and we have gone so far past it I can’t even remember when we past it or what not being “past it” would even look like anymore.
I didn’t have a cigarette for 19 hours. And a just smoked. It’s knocked me on my ass. I would not call this “relaxing”. This is “immobalizing”. Things are moving in slow motion right now, including me. And this is likely to be how every cigarette hits me every time.
Right now, things in my life are horrible and I don’t have Her to commiserate with because she’s the reason. She’s going to end up losing her job and she doesn’t seem to care. Meanwhile, I’m having to figure out how to deal with that without massive amounts of killing myself. Send help now.
We both need to quit smoking whether or not she loses her job but, more realistically, we need to quit because SHE WILL LOSE HER JOB. No amount of happy clouds and rainbows will change that fact.
God I hope soon
I wish I had a good post in me right now. I really do. Because it would probably mean forward motion in my life. And, even though I have done more today than I have in a while, I feel like I’m dying.
So what was I talking about? Buddhism?
Yeah, Buddhism, buddhadharma, bodhi.
To be honest, I am feeling “detached” in the bad way. “Disconnected” as well. I just feel like shit.
I’m less obsessed with Buddhism than I have been, but only because I’ve figured more of it out mentally. Experientially (which is the part that counts in Buddhism) I am not feeling it.
I came to Buddhism through DBT and mindfulnesss. When I read about the brahmaviharas, I came to read about Equanimity and saw it as the cure for my condition. But that’s a Captain Hindsight observation. You stop being erratic with emotions by NOT BEING ERRATIC WITH EMOTIONS. No steps.
But I thought I found steps. Dhyana mirrors the four bhramaviharas and I thought I could head that direction. Nope. Dhyana is some 29th level stuff I can’t be.
But then I realized that if I could get to that state of “feeling at one with the Universe”, I would have the brahmaviharas. Hard to get upset with the world when you feel such a part of it.
But this basic concept in buddhism was not just hard to live, it was hard to understand. Anatta was a tangled mess in my head until I realized it (kinda) meant “no soul” as much as it meant “no self”. And “oneness” isn’t an idea.
I never thought about “emptiness”. Glossed over it and never saw it as important to read about.
All of a sudden, it’s all I want. Because “emptiness” is “oneness”. The idea that you are simply made up of everything that came before and “not you” means that you are empty of “self” and full of everything that has come before you. More importantly, you are in everything you have interacted with in this world. Emptiness becomes oneness becomes the way into the brahmaviharas which becomes equanimity which becomes an end to my emotional issues.
This is my suffering and I want to end it as soon as I possibly can. It has gone on too long and I can’t purge myself of the idea that I FUCKING DESERVE TO HAVE THIS GONE.
I know that my aversion to the way my brain works is keeping me from further spiritual progress, but fuck it, I want this over with. I am averse to this, and I would rather eradicate this problem than just breathe through this. There is no breathing through this. Sorry. None. Nil. Zero. This is how I end it and end it soon.
God I hope soon.
A New Day in the Old Town 