Am I too proud to move back in with my parents… again? I think so. As soon as I left that house they put it up on the market. They’ve bought another place. I kept them there. I’m ashamed of that.
Now, She tells me she can’t afford to keep supporting me now. That’s true. I’ve helped drive her to bankruptcy and I can’t imagine being intimate with someone I’ve caused so much harm to. But even if I was to get it together for myself, she doesn’t want to live with me.
I’ve never tried to commit suicide. But today was so bad I took her pain pills and drank. I was knocked out for a while. It was not a suicide attempt. It wasn’t a cry for help. For me, it was the help.
I am a danger to myself. I am being reckless because I cannot stand the situation I am in. Unless she changes how she feels or a miracle occurs, on December 21, 2012 I will be homeless. And with that looming ahead of me, suicide IS an option I am considering. I cannot deny this fact. My life has not been, is not and will continue to be not worth living.
In the time I have spent with her, I have been mostly a burden. A pest. She described our relationship as “parent/child” and that hurt the most. It hurts because it is true. I am a child. I am ashamed.
I am ashamed of my whole pathetic life. This is not black/white splitting. I am a pathetic waste and certainly have been since adulthood.
My life is permanently damaged in large part due to an undiagnosed mental illness. I have BPD. If I had had the ability to make a suicide attempt prior, I would have gotten the care I needed, but I didn’t. A suicide attempt would be a long time coming.
This is where my life is headed and maybe it needs to be there. I need to just be a mentally ill homeless person for a while. This might just be what happens to someone with my condition who miraculously escapes treatment for so goddamn motherfucking long.
A New Day in the Old Town 
I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. I too struggle with BPD and know the isolation and feelings you are sharing here. You aren’t a burden to anyone. You didn’t make any one bankrupt. These are choices that the persons involved chose to make. You have a mental illness, a recently diagnosed mental illness, like I do. I only found out in 2011 and I am 43 years old. Until that diagnosis I have struggled with chronic depression and anxiety with panic attacks.
Get in touch with your government mental health facilities. They will be able to help you get into a shelter; or as I can see, hospital stay to help you start to get well. Please don’t self harm, you are worth so much more than that.